Bear down, Chicago Bears are down

In My Life

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Tom. I've been a Chicago Bears fan for 24 years. I'm 24-years-old, which means: I'm a lifer.

Call it the Kevin Garnett syndrome, but I can't pull myself away from bad Chicago sports teams (Bears - 1 Super Bowl; Blackhawks - haven't won the Stanley Cup since......wait, I've gotta take off my shoes to count...the 1960-1961 season, that's 48 years; White Sox - 1 World Series title in over 50 years; Bulls - well, we had the 90's).

Now, on Labor Day Weekend, the end of the boys of summer (the way the Sox are playing, only 1/2 game up on the ever lovable Twins - fuckers, it looks like it'll be soon), brings on the men of autumn.

Normally, I'd be thrilled. Notre Dame football (oy vey). Chicago Bears football (oy ve......deja vu?). Hell, football (yay)!

But, after going 1-3 in the pre-season, the Chicago Bears don't look like the "Monsters of the Midway" of old. They just look old.

Yes, I know it's the pre-season, which means the games don't count, but the ticket prices do.

Quarterback problems aside, Devin Hester is God. Pictured to the right, is God, contemplating how he was not able to save the Bears from the Colts in Super Bowl XLI (41, for you Roman Numeral impaired).

From there, the Bears went down a spiral known as the "losers of the Super Bowl." Last season, after going 13-3, they went 7-9 and chances are they're not looking much better this season. Hello 1st pick? Hello. Well, they may not be that bad, but, they'll still be top five drafting.

That's something even Devin can't control.

I've thrown my heart out there for Caleb Hanie, the current 3rd string quarterback, behind Kyle Orton (the starter) and Rex Grossman (not the starter). However, rumor mills are circling that Hanie may not make the squad.

Hanie, in the pre-season, against third string talent went:

29/49, 321 yards, 3 touchdowns, & a qb rating of 82.1.

Grossman's rating? 78.4. Orton? 87.1. Yay Orton. Of corse Orton was the only one to play against quality talent. More often than not, Grossman looked confused. Blitz 'em and he's done. Hanie, however, looked cool, poised, and dare I say, calm? Yes Hanie played against 3rd and 4th stringers. But, he was an undrafted free agent out of college. But, when the Bears cut him, it'll light that fire under him and he'll get signed by Detroit (Lions, are you reading this? Because you should be) and destroy us like Brett Favre did for so many years in Green Bay.

But, one guy that was cut, that left me scratching my head is Mike Hass, the former Saints wide receiver. Hass, a kid who knows how to play football, with decent hands and a good size. A decent WR on a team that's suffering from WR's. Does that make sense?

Turns out that Hass was never a favorite of Lovie Smith (ah, finally, the point of today's blog). Much like Mark Bradley who's been in Smith's doghouse since the beginning of time, Hass never stood a chance. But, 59-year-old Marty Booker? We sent him to Miami and now we got him back. Welcome to the wide receiver graveyard - thanks Moose (it's possibly the smartest thing you've ever said).

It is true though. Chicago is a graveyard for wide outs. Quarterbacks can't throw to them, due to lack of skills, be it arm strength or a lack of an offensive line. But, look here too. Running backs seem to be our saviors, Thomas Jones...Rashaan Salaam...Walter Payton. So the O-line can't be that bad. Cedric Benson though, he was the devil in disguise.

This looks like a season that the front office needs to turn things around, quickly. 7-9 or worse, and the echos from the windy city will be calling for the heads of Jerry Angelo, Lovie Smith, Bob Babich, well you get the point.

My prediction: 5-11 with some heads on a serving platter.

New Bands

Fuck, this is two blogs in one day. Someone call my editor.

Da Coach sent me a request some time ago about bands that I'm currently diggin', so I figured I'd give that list to the world. World, don't say I never gave ya nothin'.

In no particular order of some of my very favorite non-radio played bands:

Radio Moscow
Parchman Farm
Orange Sunshine
Wolfmother
Black Diamond Heavies
Buffalo Killers
Soledad Brothers
Pearlene
Modoc
Joe Pug
The Last Good Year
The Elms
The Swinging Fingers
Dirty Sweet
The Wildbirds
The Parlor Mob
American Minor
Rose Hill Drive

Roofies

In My Life
Roof: that thing on the top of your house/building. It needs to be replaced every few years. Like 20-35 to be exact. Well, at the Maloney household, the roof leaked around skylights like a woman on a heavy flow during her honeymoon.

It sucked.

So, needless to say, two strong Maloney men, hell there's only five in the whole family, embarked upon the northern most point of their household and destroyed it.....like Vikings destroying a pig roast.






Yeah, like that.

We went upon the roof with shovels that were flat blades. So, they weren't really shovels. They were flat blades. The flat blades sucked.

But, a gracious and helpful neighbor, Vic the "Freakin' Puerto Rican," lent us a pitch fork worthy of Satan himself.

The pitch fork was awesome. Like Wayne's World followed by Super Troopers on Comedy Central. Oh yeah, that was Saturday. When we were roofing.

Well, Thursday was day uno. Thus begun the DESTRUCTION (notice the flow of words that kinda rhyme?) Uh.....it sucked.

The sun was beatin' down on my dad and I like camel jockeys in the Sahara. During a heat wave. That's hot.

Friday, obviously, was the next day. Or day two for those of you keeping score at home. Ugh. Still not done.

Remember Thursday? Well, Friday was like Thursday, only with two nails in me. Read the last blog.

My Uncle Jim, who is a carpenter, like Joseph without the beard, came to help on Saturday and Sunday. That's two days for the price of one!







But, he's a bit older than Ole Joe is in this painting.

However, with a nail gun, Jim is probably way better than Joe. Although, Joe did knock up some ho without nailing her. Shazam!

Saturday went rolling away as my dad and I finished tearing shit off the roof. Jim, on the other hand, got started on the other half that we got done on Thursday and Friday. See, even with nails in my body on Friday, I still managed to do more work than Jesus did for three days with nails in him.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

Saturday was hot. Like Satan being pissed off because the Puerto stole his pitch fork. But, that didn't come as a surprise for Satan. He's used to his fork being stolen. His hell hounds that normally guard it are still chasing down Robert Johnson (I was going to make an awesome racist joke here, but didn't).

Saturday ended. Then Sunday came. What ever happened to rest on the Sabbath? Well, our family is Irish. The last name "Maloney" means "remember thy Sabbath." Fuck.

We worked.

I'm to the point now that I don't remember Sunday. I think it was the same as Thursday and Saturday. There were clouds in the sky. A breeze every so often. It was not heaven. Oh, my brother helped out. 3 out of 5 Maloney men ain't bad, considering one is 80-something. He's like a 20-something times 4.

Monday and we were done! Jim left and Mikey was back at school. It was back to dad and I, just like Thursday and Friday. Well, clouds rolled in. We were done by 11:30 A.M. We were dead sometime at 9:45P.M. on Sunday.

Da Coach
Here's ya boy! I hope you notice that grim look of pain on his face, like he just got schooled by M.J. But, don't be frazzled. He didn't get schooled by M.J. M.J. doesn't even play on the same court as Granger. Granger is in the NBA. M.J. is playing against 40-somethings for their money. Winner? Not the 40-somethings.


Who dat
My first car was a Lebron rookie year. In NWI, we're required to take our cars in for emissions tests, so the air stays clean. *Cough* Bullshit *Cough*. Well, the day my baby failed emissions, the top also stopped working. It was the 4th of July weekend a few years ago. It was a sad sad sad day.

We're Talking About Practice!
The Chicago Bears play their last pre-season game tomorrow, in the Dawg Pound known as Cleveland. Shouldn't it be known as the Brown Pound? Then shouldn't the Browns change their name to the Brown Pounders? Nah, that'd be too much like Green Bay.

Well, they're 0-3 so far. Which I could give a flying fuck about. More importantly, they haven't won. They'll start off the regular season in two weeks against the one-time defending champion Indianapolis Colts, who they lost to in the Super Bowl, one time.

P-Money is still recouping from knee surgery. Which means he'll start and destroy our shitty defense. Hey fellas, lets face it, you're sucking. Bad.

And, my White Sox are now 2 games up on the ever frustrating Twinkies, after a well earned 8-2 win last night at Cal Ripken Jr. Park (aka: Camden Yards). But, after today's game, they travel north, where the Green Monster meets Pesky Pole. A land so feared (due to wicked Bawston accents), that they'll take two out of three. That was my prediction. ESPN, where the fuck my check at? Oh, and CQ for MVP!

Lockdown, lockout, lockjaw

I'm stealing a wonderful idea from Da Coach, look to the right, "Coach's Tenacious Blog," and categorizing my blog....sorta, sometimes.

In My Life
In a few days I will chronicle my roofing experience with my dad as we re-roof the crib (that's "house" for you white devils).

No, the roof wasn't on fire. It was just shitty.

Well, today, your brilliant blogger decided it was a grand idea to put nails through his hand and foot, ala Jesus Christ.

That's right, I went stigmata on the world. I'm sin free again! Fuckin' YES!


Well, both nails were rusty and caused a lot of bleeding. The bleeding was my impure blood being removed from my body.

I got a tetanus shot before going away to college, and they're good for like 10 years, so I'm covered. Thank my father (remember, I'm Jesus?) I didn't go to college for 10 years, otherwise I'da been screwed, and not like the unholy sorority girls at college.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to lockjaw like a porn star at an all you can eat cock-buffet.

But, my dad (my real dad), also put several nails into his body as well. Like father, like son. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Screw off.

Da Coach















Who dat
When I was in third grade I got hit in the head with a pink dumbbell.








Yeah, it was one of those.

We're talking about practice
The White Sox are in first place, by one-half game over the Twins. I hate the Twins.

The Bears lost their third straight pre-season game. Thank god for the fact that it's pre-season. But, Kyle Orton (who my dad is a big fan of) has won the starting job over my former front runner Sexy Rexy Grossman (who my dad was not a big fan of). However, my "Pick to Click" is
















Caleb Hanie.

Just some thoughts

I fucked up my back at work last week.

You ever notice that girls w/ sisters always have a good looking sister and an ugly sister (if there's a few in the family of sisters)?

Aerosmith blues is good.

I wonder what would happen if the NFL used Nerf footballs.

What if MLB was a wiffell ball league?

I love pain killers.

The moon is made of cheese....

"Harry Caray here....." - Best Will Ferrell impersonation doing his best Harry Caray

Well, it's August 14, 3:28pm (my dad just called, said he was going golfing - I'm not, I'm stuck at work w/ the golfing blues again), and that means baseball season! And the Sox signed Beckham, their 1st round draft pick from Georgia (that's College World Series Champions Georgia).

"Yeah, baseball started already. They've been playing for months. Shut the fuck up."

Those were your thoughts....right?

Well, after the White Sox win last night, and the Twins win, we're still in first by 1/2 game. Think of it as 4.5 innings. (Update, Thome hit a 3 run shot followed by Konerko's solo effort. Hell, I've got a solo effort every night, Sox 7 - Royals 2.)

Looks like that Quentin trade worked out well. That Alexei kid from Cuba, doing pretty good too. Jr? Eh, he's old. But walks a lot. Kenny might not be so dumb after all (we'll just ignore Swish sucking the big one).

(Alexei just went yard, solo style, back to back to back shots).

So, we're right in the middle of a pennant race with the "re-building" Twins. Seriously, re-building and they're in contention for first in the AL Central. Where are the Tigers and Engines? Oh, that's right......

They're where we're supposed to be this year. Sucking.

(Uribe homered, Han Solo style, back to back to back to back, Sox 9 - Royals 2 - looks like a Bears score. But, Toby Hall will end that, I'm sure.)

Logic points to the White Sox of '05, coming down the stretch being followed by the Indians like Dick Tracy on the hunt for Roger Rabbit. But, this isn't '05. CQ (Carlos Quentin) is having an MVP year, like JD did in '05. JD is having an MVP year like JD did in '05. Our homeboy, 95-year-old Jose Contreras is dead....I think. So, he's not gonna be much of a help like he was in '05.

See....totally different. This time around we're being chased by the Twins. Way different.

Either way, like '05, we're where we didn't think we'd be or should be. So, regardless of what happens this season, it's turned out pretty well.

NOT!

If they don't take the division from those Yankees (referring to the Twins being from the North and using "Yankee" as a derogetory name), I'll be pissed. Look, Tampa Bay is doing it in the East and the Los Angeles Angels of Anehiem (spell check please?) are doing it in the west, why can't we do it in the midwest?

(Chris Getz, my new homeboy for the Sox is now up - Holla!)

(Getz grounded out. So much for .500.)

Oh, and by the way, I got my "Holy Grail."

Lets hope the Sox can get another this season.